Thursday, November 18, 2010

Holiday thoughts and thankfullness!

Since the holidays are headed our way fast, it always brings me back to the place where I was the most broken and vulnerable so I will start my first blog with a little trip into a very personal testimony.  I don't even know where to begin...for some reason I am not good at remembering dates but ever since the twins were born I can remember dates that pertain to them. On November 14, 2009 we were sent unexpectedly to Macon, GA because I was in preterm labor, something that I thought I was going to avoid. Six months through the pregnancy and no complications at all. My doctor told me that she wanted us to make it to 35/36 weeks because that was the average for someone carrying twins. I didn't see myself not making it, I was determined. But it was no longer in my control. I didn't even know that I was having contractions the first time-laying on the table hooked up to two heart monitors, the doctor told me that I was 1 cm dilated and having contractions every 3 minutes!!! So that's what I was feeling on the bumpy ride to Macon. I was given a steroid shot for the twins to help develop their lungs just in case they could not stop labor. I still couldn't believe that this was happening. Thoughts started running through my head and I was blaming it all on me. But as God worked in me and my unborn twins, I knew that wasn't the case. He had a plan, a journey for us to walk through, and little did I know that it wasn't going to be a walk in the park. After a night of no sleep, because of unannounced doctor and nurse visit, I was still having some contractions but they were more than 5-6 minutes apart. Which to them was a good thing, but I didn't want to have them at all. My doctor in Valdosta warned me to pack a "just in case" bag, but I was thinking a bag for a day maybe even two to three.

I was not expecting to spend the next 8 weeks on complete bed rest through all my favorite holidays-Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Eve!!! During those 8 weeks, I went into labor 3 more times, was on oxygen for a couple days (the medication, which was a last resort, gave me pulmonary edema-kinda like drowning), had ultrasounds every couple of days, getting morning sickness again near the end, stuck with countless needles, and more. I remember telling Blake the last time that I went into labor, that I just couldn't do it anymore, I was feeling my body giving out not up, but literally giving out. This was the only time that I felt self-fish and I did not like that feeling. Blake knew that I was barely hanging on, and only doing it for the babies. After talking to our Pastor and his wife, which we did countless times, they prayed over the phone like always, and Blake hung up the phone. He looked at me and put his hand on my face. Tears started streaming down, which was beginning to be a norm for us, he softly said, "I don't know what else to do but pray. My heart wanted to cry out and worship, and we did just that. I asked him to put in a CD that would help calm me down and open my heart and mind.  I didn't say a word, the CD began and as it began to fill the room, the Holy Spirit began to rebuild our faith by filling our hearts, minds, and our bodies with His love. Never have I felt the Holy Spirit so strong and so alive as I did that day. Something that you don't pray for during many times during a hardship, is PEACE. Maybe it was just me, but it is not something that comes to mind right away. God used that song to speak to us and I will never forget it. The song is by Jason Upton, called "Psalm 23". Maybe this song can touch you too, if you have time check it out, you may have already heard it.
Your hands Reached into the depths of darkness

Your arms Pulled me to the light above
Your voice Spoke the word that broke my heart
Your eyes Burn with holy passion, fire, and love

You lead Me beside the quiet waters
You walk In the shadows of death's darkened door
You make Tables right before my enemies
You take oil and then you pour it over me

The Lord is my Shepherd, I will fear no evil
You are my Shepherd, God,I will fear no evil
Surely goodness and mercy cover me
All the days of my life they cover me

Surely I'm going to dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever and ever and ever and ever more
You are my refuge, You are my refuge O God

This song basically became our "theme" song I guess you could say. We played it whenever we heard bad news, good news, when we were told that we were going to be going home, then played it again when we were told sorry, one more week, which was only about 4 times!!!  Blake sang it to me after they were born, then again when we found out that Josiah was having a hard time breathing on his own and had to be sent to Macon on a ventilator, Blake sang it again when he got to hold him for the first time against his chest, the lyrics ran through our minds and hearts while we were apart from each other. Blake and Josiah stayed in Macon while little man was getting the help that he was not able to get in Valdosta. Me and Abbie stayed behind. Needless to say, peace was the only thing that kept us going besides the fact that we were blessed with two babies and taking one day at a time!  I guess that I can leave this part for another day, maybe I won't forget!!